“Jupiter Ascending” is a love letter to all the worst parts of the science fiction genre. It has spaceships and lasers, aliens and gravity boots, yet provides an incoherent ramble of a plot to give context to the tropes. The product is too bad to take seriously and too boring to laugh at, thus making it worthless for human consumption.

Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is stuck in a montage of cleaning toilets when Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) shows up to bust her out. He tells her that she is actually the Queen of All the Universe and therefore must save the galaxy from evil alien Englishmen. Or something. Please note that while this may not be the most accurate explanation of the film’s events, it is the one that makes the most sense.

It’s hard to criticize the individual acting performances in this movie. Like the crew on a sinking ship, they share the burden of awfulness, merrily singing sea

shanties until they are fully submerged in mediocrity. Kunis most likely gives the least stilted performance in the film; when we launch into the inevitable love sublot with Channing Tatum, the chemistry fails on his end, not hers.

In my review for the new “Hunger Games,” I remarked on how Katniss’s

passivity conflicted with the action hero narrative, but “Jupiter Ascending” takes this to egregious levels. Despite Kunis’s fine performance, Jupiter doesn’t really do anything from beginning to end. It’s a child’s daydream of what saving the world would be like; she’s told that she’s super

special, she falls in love and is repeatedly saved from the illusion of danger because the plot demands it.

While certainly tedious, trite and overlong, the movie definitely wasn’t forgettable. It looks good, and each new location we visit overflows with pure aesthetic. Even though the world haphazardly blends every science fiction and action movie cliche, it was interesting enough to make me wish it was more than a pretty backdrop.

This is all from the creators of “The Matrix” and with a lead villain that’s up for an Oscar. The big bad Balem Abrasax is played by Eddie Redmayne, who plays Stephen Hawking in “The Theory of Everything.” To go from being lauded as genius to being laughed at for ineptitude must be a wonderful learning experience.

“Jupiter Ascending” is currently playing at AMC Randhurst and Streets of Woodfield. It is rated PG-13 in order to hit the largest demographic, yet fails to appeal to any of them. It’s more dog than movie.